If I were to put out a personal ad looking for the love of my life, this is what it would say:
“38 year old, divorced, single mom seeks a man who is
- Kind, but not a pushover
- Empathetic, yet rational
- Flexible and Laid back, but not dead
- Open to developing a long term relationship
- Open to communicating via phone and getting to know each other in person
Do you see that? ☝🏼️☝🏼☝🏼
THAT is what I want. I know that.
However, if you were to look at the men I’ve dated in the past, you’d probably think my personal ad read like this:
“38 year old, divorced single mom seeks a man who is
- Either unavailable or clingy
- Unemployed or a workaholic
- Not sure what he wants or is 100% sure he wants me before he has even met me
- Unable to communicate feelings
- Unable to feel feelings
- Unsure what a feeling is
- Interested in my body but not my mind and character and the whole package
- Intimidated by my ability to use big words
- Did I say inconsistent?
I could go on. But I’ll stop for now because my parents read this.
There are exboyfriends and men I’ve dated who might be reading this blog. If you are one of them–this isn’t about you. It’s about the other 99 percent of men I’ve dated, so don’t take it personal. (Cue Carly Simon chorus of “You’re So Vain”) now…I kid, I kid.
But on a serious note, it actually ISN’T about you or whatever my perception is or was of you.
IT’S ABOUT ME. It’s about me NOT making decisions that align with my values. It’s about a bullsh** story that I tell myself.
And you know what that’s called? It’s called disequilibrium. It’s called imbalance. It’s called making yourself feel constantly unsettled yet doing nothing about it.
When your actions don’t line up with your true feelings or values, you feel like a piece of crap. Maybe you want to leave something–a job, a relationship, a living situation, a friendship, but you continue to stay and continue to act as if everything is fine. Inside you everything is not fine, though. In fact you really feel haunted by the fact that you’re faking it.
And then the haunting gets bigger when you don’t listen to it. And then all of a sudden you wake up in the middle of the night and seriously feel like there’s a ghost in your house the size of Kansas, whispering in my ear, “You’re in pain. Stop the BS.”
And your friends start to give you advice like this:
- “This person has no business in your life.”
- “It’s not about you.”
- “Heck this isn’t even YOU!! When have you ever said, ‘I want a boyfriend who is at a completely different stage in life and has different life goals than me.’ Hmmmm… Let me think about that–Oh wait! Never would be the answer, Emily. Because NEVER once in your life, Emily, have you EVER said you wanted that.”
- You can’t soar with eagles, Emily, if you’re walking around with chickens.
Hmm, let me ponder that, but not for too long.
Because on this day, Cinco de Mayo, which also happens to be Teacher Appreciation Day and Voting Day, (and was actually even the day I got engaged to my exhusband fifteen years ago)–on THIS day, I am pledging to myself to stop that bullsh*t story and to only choose men I want in my life.
I’m gonna stop it because I’m done with being haunted and smashing an imaginary frying pan on my head.
Never settle. Never pick that which you don’t want.
Let your actions reflect who you are–your true nature.
And I suddenly don’t know how to end this, but don’t really care, so I’m just going to leave you with this image.
Me, smashing a real frying pan on my head.